You may wonder why I've been silent for a while when there are so many things to write about. Well, I have created this blog to share happy thoughts and encouraging ideas. However, November month was the worst month in Philippine history that I could ever remember, and I wouldn't know what to write. I've tried to skip the news and just watch movies, read books and stay home for a while. I've watched PLL so many times that I've almost memorized the lines.
It was when I was watching the Avatar: The Legend of Aang that I got the inspiration to write again. Uncle Iroh says: "You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip to that road and you surrender yourself to your lowest instinct. In the darkest times, HOPE is what you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength!" How very true!
So many people perished in the strongest typhoon the world has ever seen in these parts of the world. People are hungry, desperate, traumatized and at a lost of what to do next. My heart goes out to them. I tried to help as much as I can even in simple ways through my company. I can truly say I can relate with them. My family lost our small house and what little material things we have during the Peryang typhoon way back in 2001, I think. There was a flash flood and many of our 'kabaranggays' lost their relatives and material possessions.
I am saddened that with the outpourings of help from private individuals and companies, not to mention foreign aids, people are still suffering from the very basic needs like lack of food. And the government agencies are now saying they will soon stop whatever meager help they are providing the survivors. What has become of these elected people! Kudos to the media and the private companies in their unceasing support especially ABS-CBN. The "Tulong Na Tabang Na Tayo Na" t-shirt help campaign is brilliant. My company is also ordering some of these t-shirts as an additional support.
I am also angry that my taxes which is a hard-earned money looks misspent. I am sorry that I am spreading "hate" ideas in this story. I shouldn't do it, but I can't help it. I will try to refrain in the future as this is not good for my health, and in total contradict with the purpose of this blog. I hope that the "pork barrel" issue will soon be over, and the guilty apprehended.
I would like to end this with a shout out: "Please continue supporting the survivors. You wouldn't want to be in their place as I have been. It's hard enough to lose your loved ones and possessions, it's harder to be hungry and nowhere else to go. And we must all be responsible enough to care about our environment. Nature is unleashing its fury because of our indifference and greed."
Today, I woke up not feeling well. I am not sure if I can do my daily dancing exercise routine. It's been months since I am back doing this activity. I am a person who loves to wear beautiful clothes, and of course one can't do this with an extra fat. I am not thin, not even close to it. But I guess I am much better fit these days than last year. It's been a year since I was hospitalized for profused bleeding. I had to wear "pampers" for six months, go through curettage twice, and depressing blood transfusions. Then I had the much-awaited hysterectomy earlier this year. My doctor has been recommending this for sometime, but it's not easy to schedule it when you are alone. My life has not been easy for many years. My body has been weak with too many medications. My operation was successful though, and me and my doctor was happy. However, when the biopsy result came in, I was crushed.
Cancer was just a word to me previously. It was only like watching the news. I know what I am seeing is happening out there, but I didn't really know it. I was forced to accept it, get acquainted with it, live with it for a while, I hope. Then gently or forcibly evict it from my life. Endometrial (Uterus Lining) cancer is an alien entity to me.I didn't even know it existed before this. My doctor said this happens to women who never had children. I am glad I don't have to go through chemotherapy right now since it was diagnosed at an early stage. But my doctor wants me to be vigilant. Cancer is cancer. I am undergoing continuous laboratory tests and observation. I have to watch my diet and basically change my life-style in everything. I pray that I don't have to go through another operation (doctors recommend my ovaries removed, too), and much worse chemotherapy.
I went to church earlier today as I always do on Sundays. Prayers make me strong. Prayers restores my faith. Prayers make me go on. One other thing that makes me happy and invigorated is reading. Last night, I revisited one of my favorite books. I would like to share this with anyone who is feeling depressed and losing hope. We have all the power of will, and we can do
anything we set our minds to!
The Power of Will
By: Frank C. Hadlock
Above all, anger, irritation, jealousy, depression, sour feelings, morose thoughts, and worry should be forever banished from the mind by the resolute, masterful will. All these are physiological devils. They NOT only disturb the mind, but also injure the body by developing poisonous and distorting cells. They prevent an even circulation. The poisons which they generate are deadly in the extreme. They flatten and tear asunder cells of nervous tissue. They induce permanent physiological states which are inimical to vigorous will. They dispel hopefulness, and obscure high motives, and lower the mental tone. They should be cast out of life with the resolution that as aliens they shall always be treated. They maybe throttled and slaughtered and locked absolutely out of your existence. Whoever will accomplish these great results will discover a growth of will adequate to every normal demand (page 188 Successful Achievement Course).
"All the world cries, "Where is the man who will save us? We want a man!" Don't look so far for this man. You have him at hand. This man - it is YOU, it is I, it is each of US! How to constitute one's self a man? Nothings harder if one knows NOT how to will it; nothing easier, if one wills it, " said Alexander Dumas.
There are days when I thought I couldn't go on anymore. People see me us the same Theresa as they've known for a long time. But nobody knows what I am going through deep inside me. Sometimes, I wonder if this a test or this is a consequence of wrong choices in my earlier life. Yet I got to thinking I am still alive, am I not? So what does it mean? I am weak most of the time. I can't do a lot of stuff as I used to do. I crave for some food I can no longer eat. I read a lot of stories about cancer patients who are supported by friends and families. But somehow, I felt alone in all these, literally.
I live alone by choice. I am the eldest, and I only have a mother who's nearing seventy. My siblings have their own lives in different places. So I guess I can't fault anyone from being alone. You may wonder why I never married. Let's just say I never opened up to anyone since my fiance died in a motorcycle accident years ago. I've recovered from my lose a long time ago, but I didn't find anyone to fill up the void. I am not closing doors though. Life always has it's little surprises.
My battle is not just to be free of cancer forever, but to have a positive attitude at all times. I miss my family. They may be far from me, but I will always have them with me, in my heart.
A family is a home within the heart.
It's a place where love starts and never ends;
It's the place where happiness begins.
A family is a blend of people and personalities
who share a common path on their travels throughout the world.
Under one roof and enfolded within one wonderful feeling,
a family brings together a million memories of yesterday, and
a dream that distant tomorrows will keep them close, no matter what.
A family is acceptance. A family is trust.
A family is understanding when no one else is.
A family is perseverance and deep, personal pride.
Nothing can compare to the bond they share, to the history
they hold within, or to the way their lives are interwoven with every smile,
every tear, and every meaningful moment in the years they spent together.
Other things may come and go, but a family will never be apart.
A family is a home...warm within the heart.
>What is a family? By: Collin McCarty
On a lighter note, I will only live once, and while I am still breathing, I intend to live a full life.
So here's a list of what I can do to stay happy...
1. Never hate.
2. Don't worry.
3. Live simple.
4. Expect a little.
5. Give a lot.
6. Always smile.
7. Best of all, stay in love..with all the things around you!
Remember the saying:
"A silly man lies awake all night,
Thinking of many things.
When the morning comes he is worn with care,
And his trouble is just the same."
I was reading some of my well-loved books last night, and I came across this poem by Edna St.Vincent Millay (Dirge Without Music). It is a tragic year for the families who not only lost their material possesions, but their loved ones, too. Here's to remembering them.
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind.
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, - but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love -
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind.
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
>I miss my father too, my grandfather & grandmother on both sides, and my titas & my titos. With whom I shall not see ever again.<
This past weekend, some of my friends invited me to go down the beach, and stay overnight in one of the resorts in Bauang, La Union. I didn't want to go at first since I prefer to just stay home, and watch movies, read books, write, and just curl up in my bed. But due to insistent demand, I have to give in. I later found out that they needed one more to share the expenses (he!he!). Don't get me wrong. It's not a bad thing, really, for me. I never realized that I needed a getaway. It was a super fun overnight hang out.
The resort was okay. The beach was murky. But what the heck! (Pardon me.) It's a beach. We were only slightly tired getting tossed by the waves. That's the whole point why La Union is called the surfing haven in the north, right? Finally, we decided we had enough of this toss and toss thing with the sea.
We went to the cottage to do some serious karaoke singing. I don't know why these machines needed to show a score after every song. My friends were all getting nineties, and I barely make it to show eighty. And every time I sing, there seemed to be some important things my friends needed to do. (I'm exaggerating here, of course.) Well, I'd say I must be hoarse from too much screaming with the waves. I decided to give up the microphone.
When night came, we went swimming in the pool. I was in my bathing suit, mind you. I didn't care if the lights were on and the cameras were flashing. I thought I just had a slight bulge in the stomach, and a bit more flesh in the arms than I would like it to be. But I know the water is my friend. We're having the stories of our lives.We had a blast! I was happy. In the morning, I checked the pictures. Well, never mind the pictures....
We had an amazing party at the Baguio Country Club last month. In my opinion, it was unexpectedly well-attended. I don't really know if this is true. But it's my understanding that only few people attend these parties since I joined this company. Somehow, my colleagues found time to socialize after all. In fact, I am surprised too that I enjoyed it immensely. I attend parties like these occasionally, but I don't join in the activities more often than I do. I usually just stay in a corner. I guess it must be the age.
Can you imagine me dancing with a four-inch heel? And, I was convinced to go up the stage and say my name in front of everyone. That's for vying for the best Chinese costume for the night. I didn't win, of course. But that's beside the point! I was up there like a celebrity (don't read that!) with the spotlight and the cameras on. Yay! How did I do that? Well, I went home with a smile on my face. Did I mention this was all done in the middle of a storm?
"I am happy because I choose to be happy!" It's been months since I started living up to this saying. It helped me a lot in conditioning my mindset every time I open my eyes, and everyday I go to work. But one wonders why I needed to believe in something when happiness should have come naturally. It's when I realized that it's my camouflage to survive out there.
Where's there? Well, one's life in a day does not easily start at sunrise and ends at sunset as the saying goes. It's the minute-details in between that really matters.
One time, I went shopping to take advantage of a big sale. I was very thrilled to add two pairs of jeans, two pairs of shoes and a beautiful dress to my wardrobe. I grabbed some catching fashion jewelries, too. All paid at half the original price. Then, I had some late lunch. I was happy. Shopping is really a therapeutic activity. But as the peso in my debit account is showing less zeroes than I would like it to be, my happiness is looking more and more the other way. Well, so much for my therapy.
