Change Your Way Of Thinking - What Makes You happy?

"It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels he is worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him". - Abraham Lincoln

My doctor said I should stop stressing myself and "get your life organized". She said to cut back on what I don't need and prioritize on what is important. My close friends who knew me for being a perfectionist all said that "you must stop being hard on yourself. Relax." They echoed what Woman's Today wrote about stress. It read - "Relax! A recent 15-year study of more than 3,300 people found those who went through life feeling hostile had an 84% greater risk of developing high blood pressure. Change what you can in life and accept what you can't."

It is easier said than done. For how can I relax and be content? I'm over forty and no prospect in sight. No house of my own, no car, no big savings, no ring on my finger and with a cancer. The brilliant Theresa who was once the envy of some of my classmates remains a rank and file employee. A long-time ago state scholar who could have been a head of a successful organization. But time flies, and nothing close to those ever happened. 

What went wrong? Looking back, there's no easy answer to that question. I could blame my parents, my siblings, our station in life, bad luck, the weather, etc. But it all comes down to the foolishness of youth and the wrong decisions along the way. Decisions that altered my life from a pre-set course. When I think hard about these things, that's when I don't find any joy in life anymore. These worries made my life miserable, sick in the mind and in the body. Depression caused me so much suffering that I sometimes lost the will to go on.

Should I let this go on? Obviously, I must not. First things first, I must change my way of thinking. I've learned that men are straight forward about most things, while women tend to be very particular in details. Women think about little things that needs to be done unblemished, and when they fall short of their standard, panic sets in. Trying to be perfect is definitely a sure way to develop anxiety and depression. When I'm stressed, I feel like I'm a failure and most times I feel guilty. I feel that I have not done my best and I should be punished for falling short of my own expectations. When these occur, headache and backache kicks in. I can't breath. I'm always nervous and always expecting the worst. Therapy and medicine will not even work. It's during one bout when I can't sleep, and I had nothing to do but think, that I realized my conscience was hurt. It's hurt because I do not listen to what it's saying.

It's frightening when you have to confront yourself. It took all my strength just to look deep within me. Brave enough to accept defeat for presumed failures. Acceptance about the maladies of life and its horrible shroud. But it doesn't mean I have to live with it. It means opening one's mind and going through the change. Change means taking a break. A break for being sorry and depressed about the things that I can't change anymore. Acknowledging one's weakness and the things that are out of our control. In the end, realizing that we can achieve excellence, but not perfection.

Acceptance is the key to a person's peace of mind. Once this is achieved, you can take back your life. Take control of it. Forget what you cannot change and concentrate on what you can. Feeling better about yourself is a miracle. It let me focus on my self-worth and what I can do for others and the world at large. Of course, it's not magic that with a snap of a finger you can make it happen overnight. It requires a lot of discipline and dedicated work. But these are nothing compared to losing one's self-confidence.

I still dream big, but with joy and great expectations that these will not remain dreams. I know because I have laid out a plan and a course of action. I have to go back to school, not in the old ways, but though Distance Education. As Dr. Sidney N. Bremer said - "To win life's race, the mind must be put to training". I never stopped reading, studying, researching and writing, and going back to formal schooling is a way to get me back on the trail. I don't have to be a president or anything like that. For sure, it's something that will make me happier. I know what my passion is. I want to write and continue writing. I want to be published someday. In fact, I have started a research that may make this happen one day. This makes me happy and it will make me very busy to be depressed anytime soon. What about you? What makes you happy? Happy enough that will make you change your way of thinking.